Learning the hard way

"Lord, don't let me take shortcuts or seek push-button answers or expect a bolt out of the blue.  You're out to build character.  You don't point to wishing-wells." (-Ruth Harms Calkin)

*SIGH*

Well...wow...where do I start?  I have had far beyond a rough time the past couple of weeks.  I am dealing with feeling completely unequipped as a mother and wife and child of God and at the same time (and I'm sure resulting from) having an overwhelming struggle with Josiah's sleep habbits/lack thereof/lactose intolerance/me feeling completely drained and unhealthy because of the ladder.  It culminates about every few days with lots of tears, a truck load of anxiety, and feeling like I've been run over by that same truck in the mornings.  God is choosing to do alot of character building in me right now.  And I can ask "why?" a million times and feel sorry for myself all the day long, but Sami reminded me last night that I want to be going through this.  Waitaminute....I do?  Yeah, I guess I do.  If God is choosing to work on me and build my character His way, then I wouldn't have it any other way...but why does it have to be trial by fire??  But I know that Jesus was tried by fire and He had more faith and perseverance because of it and I know that I can't gain these things from simply wishing it so; I know I can't love my kids or my husband or Jesus the way I should if I'm not commited, so Lord, commit me!  Even if it has to be the hard way.  Refine me and change me, but first, give me the grace to give in to You without kicking and screaming, because that just makes it so much harder!!!