Honesty is the best policy

I've had a blog account for a while now, an empty one. I've been searching for the background I like most, but I've been at a loss for what to start writing about.

I was planning on starting off on a light note, talking bout how crazy our little household is right now: how Sami has to dig through a laundry basket in the mornings (clean OR dirty, I might add) to find his work clothes, always wrinkled....or about how I LITERALLY (and though the word is over-used, I DO mean literally) do not remember the last time I took a shower, or how I don't see the light of day for days at a time and I don't see civilization for even longer, or about something silly that Elizabeth did, etc.

BUT, on a more personal note (here's where the honesty comes in), I want to write about how in those moments that I'm lonely from never seeing a face that's not directly related to me, and when I'm so unsettled and anxious becuse I feel like no other human lives so far under a rock, when I can't pinpoint what could possibly be making me so miserable and flustered all the time, THAT'S where the Lord meets me. It's in that place that He gives me an undeservedly gentle reminder that it's HIM that I'm missing. It's all the times that I try to calm a baby screaming in my ear without HIM; it's all the times that I try to clean my disgusting house without HIM; it's ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that I do without HIM that is making me so miserable. And even when I know that I know that I know the fact that I won't experience an ounce of peace or joy or contentment EVER if I am not abandoned to HIM, I still go about my days ignoring Him.

But, if you're like me, just the thought of doing what it takes to get back to a place where I am constantly in His presence seems so overwhelming. Where do I start?? How do I get there?? I've been circling this for far too long, but that's okay because God has been using these past few years to strip me and to take me to a place of complete desperation.

So, I find myself more frustrated with the kids every day and I know tht I can't do it without Jesus, and I'm practically begging Him (when I give Him the daily passing thought) to help me and miraculously give me peace. Why doesn't it work that way?? BECAUSE - he wants so much more than that!!! He wants us to ABIDE in Him...he wants us to make Him our constant dwelling place, and it is only there that we will find peace.

(Bear with me, I'm getting there...)

After a very frustrating morning last week when Josiah wouldn't nap all morning and Elizabeth went down for hers too early and I knew she wouldn't sleep long and I wouldn't get anything done, I realized that they were both asleep at the same time. The Lord nudged me to go spend time with Him before ANYTHING else, before I blinked another eye. So, there He spoke to me. I realized that if Josiah hadn't stayed up too long and Elizabeth hadn't gone down too early, I wouldn't have had that moment to spend alone, seeking the Lord. HE ordained what I thought was a sucky morning so that He could get my attention, undevided, and spend time talking with ME! He did that for ME!!!

So when I'm drowning in stress and lonliness and filth (literally and figuratively speaking) and, in the words of Ron Burgundy, "I'M IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTION!!!", God is reminding me that if I m not abiding in Him, if I am not talking with him throughout the day as my dearest friend, if I do not consider His presence my home and dwelling place, but instead just a place I visit, then I WILL NOT and CANNOT have peace.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a work in progress. I still say a word or two every now and then that I have to tell Elizabeth not to repeat (tisk, tisk), and I still have to take a very deep breath when THEY WON'T SLEEP, or when I look at the piles of laundry in the hallway. But, God has scooped me up and He's taking me somewhere, ya know? It's going to be a good adventure!